I love seeing older women completely trashed. I love hearing older men talk about how hot the Olsen twins are. I love walking the streets of Chicago alone. That's about the extent of my "love list" right now.
Since I've been back in Chicago I haven't experienced much of this feeling called love. Now, I love Chicago and I love being back and I love my apartment. But nothing else has seemed to stimulate any passion. Any drive or motivation. I feel like I've been sitting my life away these past 3 weeks, without a job and without any real relationships. Rachel has been in Texas for the past week and before that was working constantly. Daniel's not back yet. They're the two that I was counting on for some sort of rejuvenation. My relationship with my mom has crumbled from her being one of my best friends, to not even speaking. I was expecting a sense of belonging here and have yet to receive that. Crying daily doesn't make me feel any better, it just reminds me of how pathetic I am. I don't know why I've been like this and I don't know how to stop it.
Tonight gave me a quick glimpse of why I'm here. And I'm not talking about here in Chicago, but here on this earth. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life or where I'm going to be in two years, but I do know that I love to love- or I used to. And I think I am plenty capable of feeling that again, I just haven't figured out how.
I used to tell people that there was only two things in the world that I hated, George W. and ketchup. Now I hear myself saying 'I hate this... I hate that..." I don't know why. I'm not angry. I'm just not happy.
I don't know what it will take to get me out of this funk. It seems like since the day I left Chicago last May I fell into it. I was so pissed to go home. So my entire summer (which I still enjoyed, of course) was ultimately spent waiting for Anytown, and then to come back to Chicago. Anytown didn't give me what I was expecting and hoping for. And neither has Chicago. So maybe I need to realize that it's not everything else around me, it's me.
So while I'm trying to become the person I used to know, I need you. I need you to love life with me. I need to be reminded of the things that I once cared so deeply for.
I just want to be happy. I want to love to love-again.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
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